When will I find Love – Why men invest and then go cold (part two)

One of my biggest advice in dating tips for women, is please remember, (and I know that saying this might bother a lot of you reading this) that HE isn’t under any obligation to satisfy any of your personal wants or needs – because one of the gripes I hear from quality mature men, who dare to open up and be honest with me, is that they can sometimes think that they’ve met too many women who feel ‘entitled’ and truthfully, that can be a massive turn off to a healthy emotionally mature man.

Regardless, you have every right to let him know what makes you feel happy. You should! Then he can see whether he can be the man to make you happy and you will also see whether he is the right man to make you happy. What you don’t want is to be saddled with the wrong man for you. Asking yourself ‘when will I find love’ must also mean that you’ll be willing to walk away from the wrong guy so that you can find love. Maybe he chooses to do what you would like or he doesn’t. Either way, you get to find out if this is a right match for you because that’s what you’re looking for right? You’re looking for Your Mr. Right right?

Moving onto another point of why he seems to have invested in you and then he’s suddenly gone cold, could possibly be that he’s been paying a lot for the dates.  Money can be such a contentious issue, especially for men who have been burnt in their eyes, by divorce or from women with whom they have perceived as ‘taking them for a ride’ – whether it’s true or not. (As a side note, he too is also wondering, when will I find love each and every time things don’t quite work out for him in his love life.)

Still, if he’s been seeing you for a while and he’s paying for the majority of things like dinner, and whatever else – and he wants to pay BUT, you’re not giving anything back in his eyes, then he might be feeling used. This, as is with women, is a common fear with men. It’s not cheap to go out on dates (just as it’s not cheap for women to buy new outfits, get their hair done and make-up etc to look nice for him for dates), it’s expensive especially if you’re going out to expensive restaurants, if  he’s buying all the drinks, the food, paying for the taxi’s, therefore he wants to know, and he’s demonstrating to a degree –  “I’m interested in you, I’m investing in you, do you like me back?” Some men are total gentlemen and would never dream of allowing a woman to pay. Whilst you should never feel obligated to any man because he pays, it would be naïve of you to assume that he shouldn’t get annoyed and disappear if you show no degree of equal interest in him and appreciation for what he’s done – which to some would include and mean showing warm affection and intimacy. So if you’re still wondering, ‘when will I find love’, then please do take notice of how HE might be perceiving you. Have you shown him that you care OR are you feeling and acting entitled?

Expensive dates paid for by him aren’t worth anything if you don’t invest in him too.

Which nicely leads onto: How are you being with him? Are you good company with him? Are you talking to him via text or calls in a warm way – being happy to hear from him? Are you being happy, are you being vivacious, are you being appreciative of his gestures, are you being receptive to him – maybe you’re giving back by cooking him a nice meal, or treating him to something that’s special to him – showing him clearly in ways that HE would appreciate – that you’re genuinely interested in him and are not taking him for a ride.  New flash: Men have feelings too! They too can get just as hurt as women do in relationships. They too go through the same dilemmas, the same heartache, the same fears, and are too wondering, when will I find love with the right girl for him.

So, let’s assume that he’s been investing both his time and money in you and you haven’t reciprocated that back – and you haven’t indicated that you’re genuinely interested in him, then I think it’d be fair to say he’d have good reason to go cold on you because if he’s not getting his emotional need met with you, then he would want to find somebody else who’s going to give him what he wants. I think that’d be pretty fair just as much as you would want to get your emotional needs met too right?

If you think that that might be what’s happening, then you maybe need to think about how you might be coming across to him.  If you two have been dating for a few months, you can always again have an honest conversation with him, asking him if there is anything wrong because you feel that there might be some distancing from him, reiterating that you do like him and genuinely would like to know if there is something amiss at all. Then listen to what he has to say.  You can initiate that conversation because it’s on your mind and you never know, maybe having that conversation can change the whole direction of the relationship. I’ve seen this happen many times before. One minute the relationship seems to be dead in the water and in dire need of resuscitation. The next, both are back in love with having open, honest relaxed conversations that connect each other back again. In those situations, asking yourself when will I find love becomes a non issue.

One final reason why he might have seemed to be investing in you and then gone cold, is to do with what’s called him desiring ‘social approval’.

With the advent of dating apps, we’re connected to people much more easily. The world today can seem like a candy store of options often believed to be available to us and so if you’re single, and the painful thought of when will I find love is swirling through your mind, then you can feel compelled to act on it and not always with the best intentions of how what you do might be affecting others. We all want to feel loved right? We all want validation.  So imagine that it’s a Friday or a Saturday night, and you don’t want to sit at home alone. Therefore, with a few swipes and a few clicks, you can be on a date with someone.

Not everyone on a dating site, for example, wants to be in a relationship, therefore you never really know why someone’s actually using online dating. We assume, of course that, that he wants a relationship too because that’s what you want because in your mind, you want to put an end to your angst around when will you find love and actually find love don’t you? In reality, that’s not always the case for guys on online dating.

Sometimes all he wants is good company – keep your options open when online dating

Therefore, maybe he just wanted the company of a lovely women and to hang out and have fun with and why not? He may never have wanted anything more from you regardless of how nice you were or how attractive you were. If he knew from the get go that he didn’t want anything more (some men will be straight up about this from the beginning) and just wanted to be out and have fun, and you fit that criteria of being the ‘For Now’ girl, then he likely will also be ‘dating’ other women too. That’s why one of my biggest dating tips for women that I suggest, as I’ve said before and will keep on repeating, that you too should be dating other men, especially if you’re doing online dating. You don’t want to waste your time right?

“Never make someone else a priority who is putting you last”.

Keep yourself safe and keep all your opportunities open so you can attract and meet Your Mr. Right and put an end to your tormented when will I find love thoughts banging on in your mind.

I hope you find value from this blog today as well as part one, and gained a better awareness and understanding of why men might go cold as you struggle with wondering when will I find love. We don’t want to hurt people sometimes and it’s easier not to say things than to say something that might be hurtful, so if he goes cold on you, it could be that he’s made a decision, I mean, of course he’s made some form of a decision about you in his mind OR is making up his mind about you, but the more time’s gone on, and the less contact he is having with you, the more he’ll be putting you on the back burner. Sorry to say because I know that doesn’t sound nice to hear but this is how life is sometimes. Not many people can be direct and say: “I don’t want to see you again”.

Everybody has their own way of communicating and everybody has their own values and sometimes things don’t go exactly the way that we would hope for, so misunderstanding and miscommunication will inevitably arise along the way on this roller coaster ride of love.

If he’s gone cold on you and he’s said it’s over. Know that that door opens up the place for someone new to come into your life. The Right guy for you – then you’ll stop asking yourself ‘when will I find love.

I’ve got other fantastic blogs on love, dating and relationships so please check out my other blogs.  If you’re struggling to get over someone who has gone cold on you, or struggling to navigate your love life successfully and haven’t found your Mr Right yet, then drop me a line. I offer an initial private & confidential FREE consultation. Just click on this link to contact me. Do that right now if you want my help and support.

 

 

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