Now you might assume that I’m a big fan of hers for saying that. Well, to be honest – I’m neither a fan nor do I dislike her however, what I am interested in about Gemma Collins is her ‘Love Psychology’ and her attraction towards ‘bad boys’.
For anyone who has been watching Channel 4’s Celebs Go Dating, you’ll see that despite their fame, money, status, looks, talent – they suffer from the same pains as the rest of us mere mortals (well, perhaps with the exception of Muggy Mike!). The whole series is a wonderful social experiment of what happens when we declare to ourselves and declare openly to others, that we feel ready to meet that special someone and wish to fall in love – to share a future together in that bubble of happiness, including weddings and babies and all that good stuff.
You see, even though all that sounds just sweet and magical and romantic, when we start to connect with our true heart desires, it’s inevitable that what often accompanies that, is our vulnerabilities and insecurities, and it’s these vulnerabilities and insecurities that we see begin to rise to the surface very clearly in Celebs Go Dating. Any façade or pretence or mask that they’ve been wearing, slowly begins to be stripped away, revealing not only to us, but also to themselves, their true inner emotions and their unresolved inner demons, letting us in on how they truly feel about themselves – emotional Tells (as In poker it’s called ‘Tells’).
Olympian Taekwondo Champion Jade Jones was very obvious about that and said it perfectly when she went to her first mixer saying: “I’m bricking it”, but Comedian London Hughes trumped Jade when she confessed that she was almost ‘sick in her mouth’ at the thought of meeting potential love interests at the mixer. However, to me the true star who is stealing the show by far is Gemma Collins because she has shown her vulnerability throughout the series way more than the others – vulnerability shown through the appearance of her ‘hard shell’. Hence partly why she was so hated and vilified on social media with her “You work for me so I’ll walk out of here” temper tantrum attitude towards both The Celebs Go Dating guru’s Nadia Essex and Eden Blackman, in the first episode because that hard shell was masking her vulnerabilities.
However, it was only a matter of time before the wall that she had so successfully built up from all the pain and emotional heartache that she has suffered through unrequited love, mostly from Towie star James Argent, aka Arg, that it had to be knocked down by The Celebs Go Dating team, but more importantly, by herself. The 37 year old reality TV star knew that her wall of armour had to come down in order for her to get a chance of ever finding true long lasting love.
We all know that when it comes to love, the mightiest and the best of us fall. Grown men crumble and say silly nonsensical embarrassing cringe-worthy things like Made In Chelsea Reality TV star Sam Thompson does. In his self deprecating style, we see an example of a guy going completely weak in the face of beauty – more especially of course in the vision of what he himself considers to be of particular beauty. And we also see successful strong sassy women become shy, get nervous and feel awkward, like London Hughes, as they too go weak at the knees when faced with a gorgeous man who sets their body alight with butterflies and vagina tingles, feeling their ovaries explode with delight because they see themselves having beautiful babies with him.
And that’s what it takes to fall in love.
But then comes the flip side.
- We feel fear when we put our hearts on the line.
- We feel fear when we open ourselves to possibly getting hurt again.
- We feel fear when that person we love can reject us, abandon us, or cheat on us.
And these celebs are absolutely no exception to that rule.
Behind their personas, assuming of course you’re willing to look more closely to see beyond their front, we see their real selves. The aforementioned poker ‘tells’ – which reveal who they really are behind the bravado, the clingy designer clothes or private education, cocktails and high volume voices scrambling and screaming for the most attention.
None other than Gemma Collins does it best. So amid the awkward silences, stilted conversations and temper tantrums, to me it’s Gemma Collins that steals the show. To some she’s like marmite which is why she makes great reality TV and explains why she’s been called pretentious, obnoxious and far worst on Twitter. However, what I want to focus on more is what happens when a woman who is successful in her business and career, but gets hurt by love.
I like to call it the myth of the SuperGirl Boss.
In a nutshell: she’s the ‘girlBoss at Work, girlBoss at home, girlBossing her man’ that hides the real soft little girl inside who desperately wants to be loved by her guy. She’s successful in her career but not romantically, like Hollywood Actress Jennifer Aniston, or Towie reality TV star Lauren Goodger for example. An affliction I see a lot of with my high profile clients, who are also very successful strong sassy women.
But why is this?
In a world of business they’ve learnt that they have to be tough to get what they want: Either being thrown into the limelight or seeking out fame, they would have to have had to develop an outer thick skin to keep themselves safe. We all have our protective mechanisms and we all must protect ourselves in order to survive especially in our modern world, often resulting in believing that they have to cut themselves off from their emotions in order to survive.
Being unsuccessful in love, some have thrown themselves into their career or business because it’s an option that they can manage and control, rather than face getting hurt again by a man they can’t control. And the more successful that they have become, the more their outer wall thickens and the more they become distant from finding true love.
Their go getting tough attitude which is necessary to build a successful career or business, sadly spills over into their romantic life. Coupled with the strong movement of GirlPower – we have seen the rise of women who for some have taken it to an extreme – where they begin to go after guys like they would their business, fiercely negotiating with romantic love interests like it’s a business deal, crushing their female competition like they would swat a fly and stepping on the toes of any man with their 6” Louboutin’s who they didn’t feel came up to their standards.
I’ve seen some women so afraid of getting hurt again – and hold onto being in control so tightly, that they consequentially set out to beat potential romantic partners in a game of ‘who has the most control’ or one-upmanship, so in the end the relationship all becomes a power struggle and in any power struggle, someone has to lose and someone has to win and inevitably within that, someone will get hurt.
So even though on the surface these women have the appearance of being this powerhouse of a woman, confident, sassy, outspoken, they are still underneath a little girl who is desperately wanting to be loved. Her ‘love Map’, learnt from an early age no doubt, is way off kilter, which has resulted in her having many a romantic non starters, failed passionate yet explosive relationships, or staying mostly staunchly single.
Terrified of getting hurt again, they are often attracted to bad boys – men who have the patter, are sexually confident and powerful, who take control and aren’t afraid to lead, but more importantly these women are attracted to men who won’t commit to them with their heart.
Because underneath these women don’t believe that they feel worthy of love and so they are unconsciously always drawn to men who won’t fully commit to them. As a consequence, these women are always creating emotional drama in their love lives because they carry around their emotional pain and hurt like they would drag along 75 kilos of luggage, bringing all of that chaos into their close romantic relationships. Gemma Collins openly admits to that on the show when she said that if she got hurt again: “I think I’d die” and “that’s why I won’t let my guard down.”
Do you recognise any of this within yourself?
When you get closer to these celebrity ‘Love Maps’, you will see that some of these women are often door mats in their relationships: Often giving too much too soon, often having over complicated destructive relationships and maybe even been bank rolling their guy.
If they actually do meet a nice guy, they will often say: “I don’t think you can handle me” or “Don’t think you’re strong enough for me”, all of which, yet again, leaves these women either unhappily single or back into the arms of the bad boy.
This begs the question: Can they even recognise who their Mr Right is?
“I need someone with personality who’s going to over power me” and “have boom in the room”, says Gemma and the first time she sees someone like Muggy Mike she calls him stunning, but it isn’t necessarily that type of guy who will make them happy. They’re wanting a guy to soften them and with whom they can feel feminine with, however, by them not taking ownership that it’s up to them to step into and embrace their own femininity and lead with their feminine power in a way that doesn’t chop the guys balls off, means that they’re cannot complement his masculinity or his identity as a man. Consequentially this means that he won’t feel attractive within himself as a man in her presence, and therefore won’t feel a sexual or emotional attraction towards her.
Complementing his masculine energy IS the way to have a loving successful and happy long term relationship with her guy and not by attempting to emasculate him.
So if you recognise yourself carrying the similar traits to these women, let me break it down even further for you, so then you can see if you’re guilty of doing any of these things:
At the beginning of any relationship, playful banter can be fun, but over time it can begin to grate if it comes across as you constantly wanting to be in competition with him. If someone has to win, and you spark off that feeling of competitiveness in your guy – and you both remain stuck there – then your relationship can become a power play or a power struggle. This power struggle can quickly turn aggressive and into arguments. Even if the love between you two remains, the relationship can become too difficult to sustain because that playful banter has turned into something that’s cutting, and critical and inevitably, that leads to him feeling disdain towards you and you him, and resentments build. Like wild fire, before you know it, you’re in a full blown argument, flinging painful remarks at each other yet both of you still wondering how it got to that stage in the first place.
That constant drip drip effect of what pick up artists call ‘negging’, is beautifully illustrated in Malcolm Gladwell’s book The Tipping Point. That concept of The Tipping Point, shows how those little things when reach a tipping point, is “the moment of critical mass, the threshold, the boiling point”. And it’s after that point that it can be very difficult to go back to good will and good feeling, which then often leads to the demise of the relationship. Both Talia Storm and her ex Seb Morris demonstrate this.
Banter is great – but it can go too far.
Why is it there in the first place? It often can be a form of self protection because it can seem easier to fling insults rather than share how vulnerable and hurt you really feel. Furthermore, there is a perception that to be as strong and successful as a man in our modern world, and to play in a man’s world, then a woman has to be like him. Ladies, this is NOT so in your romantic relationships. Please remember, you can be a BossGirl, and be strong like your man, but you don’t have to lose your innate power as a feminine woman in the process. It may come as a surprise to you, but a strong powerful man is looking for a soft place to land with his woman. Not a pushover however, but a woman who can hold her own AND enjoy, feel comfortable and relaxed in his masculine energy, being ok in her vulnerability, whilst sharing openly and honestly how she really feels without being the aggressor.
Are you hiding your vulnerability? A way that you do that is connecting with men with your persona, just like Gemma does as ‘The GC’. Connecting with potential romantic partners in this way not only doesn’t allow him to connect truly to you, nor does it allow you to connect fully and emotionally with him. Listen, he can’t get to know the real you when what you’re presenting to him is your persona. Nor can you truly find your right match when you’re connecting from a place that’s disconnected because it isn’t connected to your true heart desires.
The Mask is another guard that keeps true intimacy away from your heart. By doing so, you will struggle to feel a connection towards him and he won’t be able to feel a connection towards you, which will lead him to lose his emotional hard on for you.
Using phrases like: “I’m a Queen”. “Don’t touch the goods”, or “I want a man to overpower and shut me up” are such examples. If you’re truly in your feminine power and are happily leading from that place, you really don’t need to say these things because he will see your value because deep inside you too will know your true value, and it will emanate from you. You don’t have to advertise or shout from the roof tops how special you are because you will just be it and ooze it. You will have that natural charisma that draws people in and him to you. Everyone knows that type of woman who when she walks into the room, you can’t help but notice her. You can’t quite put your finger on as to why, but you know she’s got ‘It’. The X factor. Now that’s real girl power.
I’m hoping that you see that no amount of screaming fans or financial status makes an ounce of difference to your level of self esteem. Who we are behind closed doors is what matters. Not the performance. Not the persona. Not the talent. Not when in front of the paparazzi. But who you are when no one is looking.
You’re successful in your business or career and that success is integral to maintaining your sense of identity and validation that you are loved and desired and that you matter in this world. You value quality and having nice things, but you’ve also built things around you in order to prove to yourself and others that you’re worthy of love and are valued, often times believing that those things can fill the empty space in your heart. Any hint that would suggest being a failure will be quickly squashed, and that can mean that you’d rather appear cold and heartless than have a man get close to you. You may even come across as being entitled. As a consequence, you might see men as disposable and therefore will quickly discard guys. Now, this is not to say that these women shouldn’t be discerning. On the contrary, of course they should. However the issues arise when the fear of failure is so strong and palpable, that you won’t allow yourself to risk to truly love again. You would much rather avoid this and keep your heart closed or remain distant, than be disappointed or get hurt again by love.
Being able to recognise yourself and acknowledge that you may too carry some of these traits isn’t easy. But it will make you grow as a woman.
We see Gemma Collins grow throughout this whole process:
She knows she can be overpowering sometimes and has to consciously soften and relax and bring her A game – and not just expect the man to impress her because it works both ways.
So notice what happened when Nadia Essex had a heart to heart with Gemma, that was the time when Gemma’s internal world started to change.
Gemma is clear in who she feels a natural attraction to – but was Arg really that guy? Is he truly the right fit for her?
For those who have been following me know that I’m all about attracting & keeping Mr Right. But the thing is – are you the type of woman that the type of man you want is naturally attracted to? It’s a tough question to ask yourself and for some, your self esteem and confidence will take a knock when you believe that you don’t see the standards you have reflected back in the type of guys who are attracted to you.
Whilst you can’t control who is attracted to you: Who you let into your life IS a reflection of who you are and there is no getting around that. But the good thing about becoming aware of this is that – you can do something about it, just like what Gemma Collins is doing in Celebs Go Dating.
Gemma had to get really honest with herself and it takes a strong intelligent woman to do that. As a result, she softened and she opened herself up to love. She had to face that Arg wasn’t ever going to give her what she’s truly wanting and needing to fulfil her emotionally. So she needed to let go of him emotionally inside of her heart in order to allow space for her true Mr Right to walk into her life. Even when Arg comes calling again for her when he sniffs other men around her, she has to be strong enough to say No to him.
Ladies, who is the bad guy or the non committal guy in your life that you have to say no to?
Is it someone like Love Island’s Muggy Mike?
Muggy Mike self confessed ‘dick’ is the ‘Alpha’ male of the pack. He is the guy that all the women in the show seem to swoon over. However, even I was shocked when one of the girls was so happy that he picked her after telling her she had a nice ass. A beauty queen no less, but she can be forgiven seeing as she is only 19 years old after all. But that example hasn’t gotten any better throughout the show, as each ‘bird’ seems to connect first with their sexuality – giving tit performances, or lewd and crude sexual remarks to Mike, and being so unbelievably available that Mike can’t feel an attraction towards them.
To him, what they’re offering is boring because there is no challenge at all. Sadly, they’re making themselves disposable and throwaway, as satisfying as a quick fast burger, wolfed down in a hurry, forgotten in a moment by the time he sees another flash of some young girls tits or ass.
Like a moth to a flame they make themselves easily available to the ‘bad boy’. Underneath, just like many strong successful women I’ve seen who have low self esteem or have been deeply hurt by love, they really don’t value themselves or believe that they deserve love otherwise they wouldn’t approach a guy in that way, nor chase him, nor wait around or keep on going back to a guy who wouldn’t commit to them.
What some women don’t realise, is that just like Muggy Mike, and Arg, what they’re looking for is an emotional connection – which is what Arg had with his ex. So Gemma’s story should be a warning sign to other women out there who are looking for love.
No woman should ever wait around for a guy because he either feels it for her or he doesn’t. Listen, he can have sex with you; be your friend; have you as his confidant (who he tells all his problems and troubles to), but it doesn’t mean he’ll ever feel any commitment or romantic emotional connection towards you. A guy needs to feel a strong emotional pull towards a woman in order for him to commit to her. That’s why Arg kept on going back to his ex but have other girls like Gemma Collins as his side salad. Good enough to fill the gap momentarily, but would never be the main course. Sadly, although it can’t feel good to say, that’s what Gemma Collins was to him.
But hopefully she’s learnt that lesson now.
Whilst we don’t know what will happen to Gemma in the end, now Gemma has two quality men vying for her affections. Both of them displaying their feathers like peacocks, in order to win her heart, and that is how it should be. When a woman truly values herself, that’s exactly what happens because I’ve seen this phenomenon happen with all of my female clients who previously before having met me, kept on choosing bad or inappropriate guys. All strong sassy super successful women, they learnt how to truly lead with their feminine power to go onto attract amazing quality ready to commit guys who loved and adored them. Just like with Jojo, who within three months of coaching with me, met her Mr Right. Within one year after meeting each other, were married!
I see this happen all of the time! Marriage and babies are just a part of what I do.
When these women make a commitment to themselves that no more will they accept poor behaviour; that no more will they devalue themselves, that no more will they chase men who don’t want them; that no more will they hide their vulnerability and true feelings nor be the aggressor to get their guy, that the real magic happens. The ‘Woo Woo’ of that powerful declaration to me and to themselves, attracts to them great ready to commit guys. And these women don’t have to bash him on the head to get him either.
Whilst we live in a modern world, the old courtship rituals still remain the same. We cannot deny our primitive selves that really bases attraction on prime animal instinct whether we care to admit this to ourselves or not – that there is a natural order to courtship that has nothing to do with gender but everything to do with feminine and masculine energy and where we lie on that spectrum as well as both parties remaining true to their hearts desires.
Deep inside these women want to be swept off their feet BUT first they must allow themselves to be open and gentle and show their vulnerability and risk being hurt again, to let go of the bad boys enough to allow themselves to be swept away by the good guys. Your Mr Right doesn’t want to fight you, he wants to love you.
So let him love you.
Falling in love is a beautiful thing and a part of that process is letting go of control, letting go of fear, removing your mask, being ok with failing, understanding the place and role of BossGirl in your life, leading with your feminine power knowing how to playfully tease him yet knowing when to let him lead. You’ll enjoy feeling just a little bit on edge and a little bit unsafe when you stop wanting to manage or control your guys – not in an extreme way but just enough that makes you feel excited about seeing him again.
When you truly honour your heart and do these things, you’ll easily identify who your Mr Right is; you’ll keep away from the bad boys, and you’ll finally get the love story you truly desire.