Tell me if this bit of online relationship advice is true or not. You’ve fantasized and romanticized your future with this guy – you’ve seen yourself marrying him – you’ve seen yourself having his children – you’ve seen your happy-ever-after with him – so in your heart and mind – it has to be him, and you’re willing to put aside the ‘Red Flags’, knowing that he isn’t actually really into you, in the hope of ‘getting him’.. It’s no longer a want. It becomes a ‘need’. To some of you this can feel like life or death situation. It can feel that over whelming, intoxicating and suffocating.
This brings up an interesting question: What is love? There have been countless books written, philosophies discussed, songs sang, poetry scrawled– all musing on the ideas of love, all of which are beyond the remit of this blog.
Still, to keep it simple, and to keep it relevant to the topic at hand, in your opinion, can you tell the difference between ‘chemistry’ and ‘love’?
Some say that true real love develops over time, but people do also say that there’s love at first sight.
Regardless, I want you to be aware of when you’re feeling that intense chemistry and you call it love, because that’s typically another word I hear my clients say: “It must be love because I’m feeling so much ‘chemistry’” and ‘passion’ and they, like you, want to continue to feel this chemistry. Yet, at the same time, you feel miserable because you know that you’re not or certainly don’t feel as if you’re in a committed relationship with him although you desperately want to in one with him even though you feel out of control with your emotions.
Let me tell you a quick story in this online relationship advice, of a scenario of where this has happened to a girlfriend of mine: She was having incredible off the charts orgasmic sex and things were great at the beginning with this guy but he stopped working, and since then he’s been drinking more, hasn’t gotten another job yet, smoking lots of weed, was very vague about his whereabouts. He would also put her down in subtle ways. He started to say things like: “It’s difficult to find a woman who’s a ‘number 10, I wish you were a 10!” Yes, seriously- that’s exactly the type of things that he would say to her. They’ve been casually dating for five months and that’s what he said to her. In her mind, they were in a relationship. In his, he wasn’t.
She got upset of course, but then he would back track and say: “It’s only a joke” and “Can’t you take a joke?” Ladies, please listen to this online relationship advice: You know something isn’t quite right especially when someone is subtly putting you down, which is called a ‘backhanded criticism’ – which means that it’s a criticism delivered via the backdoor. That way, it can make it seem that it’s you who has the problem and not him in this situation.
So that’s a reason why you can feel good because you’re getting those juicy love hormones – the feel good hormones – (the oxytocin that I mentioned earlier from having great orgasmic sex), or with some of you who haven’t even slept with him yet – you have the fantasy romance etched into your brain – which is an extremely powerful drug – so compelling that it hooks you in and keeps you addicted to him, so much so, that you often fail to realize that the other side of things just aren’t right, in fact, are often mismatched or fundamentally wrong.
Sadly, she ignored the online relationship advice and she didn’t want to leave him – she always kept on saying; “Maybe he’ll change”, and consequentially remained in denial: “There’s definitely no other woman”, “he’s just going through a rough patch”, yet she would ignore that they were incompatible when it came to what they both wanted for their romantic future; maybe this is you too? Maybe you two really don’t have the same shared values?
Now, in this online relationship advice, it begs the question: Why did you get together with this guy in the first place?
One thing I’ve noticed having a background in psychology and being a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and giving so much online relationship advice, is that I discovered that deep in the depths of your subconscious mind that there’s a base of insecurity – that on some level – you believe that you’re not good enough. That you believe something is wrong with you, and your idea of love is messy and complicated, and filled with confusion and drama, because your version of love is just that. It’s what you know. It’s what’s familiar to you.
Often times, in fact, more often than not, it’s related to your history, it’s related to your relationship with your primary caregivers as a child. If this is you, if you’re reading this right now, and you’re going through this situation, then I’m here to tell you in this online relationship advice, that there’s help for you. I’ve been there, I’ve struggled, that’s why I do what I do because I don’t want you to go through the same emotional pain that I’ve gone through. I can help because I understand.
If I can go through that and come out on the other side, if I can help my clients go through that and come out on the other side and get into great relationships, then I can help you too. This is why I’m here. I care enough to get results. I care enough to give you online relationship advice for free.
If you’re in a situation with a man that isn’t making you happy, then please contact me: send me an email to get to see how I can help you. But in the meantime – do this simple exercise.
Get a piece of paper – do that now, or even write on your notes in your phone. I want you to write down the pros and the cons of this relationship because you want to get it clear in your mind of a solution for this predicament, and an easy way to do that, is to have things written down clearly so you can look at things from a more rational elevated objective view point so that you can stop seeking online relationship advice and make real changes to your love life and get the love life you deserve.
On one side write down the pros of this relationship and ask yourself – what am I getting out of this? On the other side write the cons. Compare the two. Is it 50/50? Are there more cons than pros? Is it the other way around? Just see. And then decide what you need to do about it.
Perhaps it requires a conversation. Maybe it means you leave the guy. Listen, I know that can be incredibly difficult, especially if what you want is to be in a relationship, and have a future and possibly children with him. Again, I’m here to help, so if you want more than online relationship advice, then please contact me, but for now I wish you well, I want you to find love and stay in love.
If you missed part 1 of my blog of this series, you can find it here