A woman wrote to me recently, a single woman, and she asked me how she could improve her self-love because she realised that it was affecting how she was relating to men in a negative way.
Therefore I thought that this topic would be useful to share in a blog about online dating advice because she was right: How we feel about ourselves heavily affects how we feel whether alone, whilst dating and when in a relationship.
In this online dating advice, I will share with you some things that I’ve done myself in my past that have helped both me and my clients get to the place where I’m at now today – free from the anxiety that I used to be plagued by. After coaching with me, they always leave feeling a deeper sense of love for themselves – removing that negative and replacing it with that something that has been missing in their life that which before they had wanted a man to fulfil.
One of the key things I ask my clients is:
Are you doing or are you having a life that truly lights you up?
There’s an interview with one of the Apple founders, Steve Jobs, and I don’t remember the exact quote, but he was saying something poignant like: If this were to be the last day of your life, would you be doing what you’re doing today?” By the way, I don’t want you to feel sad, I actually want you to think: “Well, if today was the last day of my life, would I be doing what I’m doing now?” And really think about it. Do you like your job? Do you like your friends? Are you mixing with the right people? Think about it! Have you been to the places you’d like to go to? Well, whatever it is for you, if this were that last day of your life, what would you be doing differently?
I genuinely want you to be successful in your dating life, so that’s why this online dating advice is stressing the importance of living a life filled with joy. It’s so important to do things that genuinely light you up, that fill you with joy, that fulfils you because when you feel good, then you will not only feel better within yourself, but you also will become even more attractive to men. Men want to be with happy women.
When you feel fulfilled in your vocation, (that’s what some call having a life purpose) that your energy field changes and your vibe changes. You feel so much better about yourself that you’re then attracted to guys with whom you feel good with. Furthermore, quality guys want to be with quality women who they can feel good with.
That’s why I like to keep it simple, and focus on suggesting that you do the things that you truly and wholeheartedly love – things that satisfy and are nurturing to you. This is NOT about doing things that you think you ‘should’ do, but what you personally love to do – doing that which makes your heart sing and just makes you feel good about yourself.
Maybe for you it would mean taking some time out. It could be as simple as having a hot bubble bath or taking a massage or going for a walk in nature. So, what is it that you love to do? Please listen to this online dating advice! Discover the things that you like to do because I know how busy we can get in this modern world and we can get so caught up on our smart phones, swiping, messaging, Facebook, taking selfies, and being on our laptops or iPad/tablet. But we forget sometimes how important it is to nurture ourselves and that’s one of the key teachings of loving yourself fearlessly, that’s why I give when any single woman who comes to see me, who is struggling to love themselves, this key advice because oftentimes they think it’s about just doing stuff or keeping busy. It isn’t.
I also ask my clients what are you doing that’s kind to them to do?
I know that might seem like an odd question to ask, and they often look at me a bit confused. I don’t mean what kindness are you doing for others, but what are you doing to give you back some loving? What would that look like? Just look back on your last week, ask yourself: ‘What have you done that’s been nice and kind to you?’ Maybe it’s having a lie in bed; maybe you have to get up really early every morning, so maybe on Sunday you decide: ‘I’m going to have a lie in and I’m going to spend the whole day in bed, read my favourite book, watch a bit of Netflix’ or whatever feels good for you. I always like to suggest, within this context, doing something preferably that’s indulgent or fun or silly. You know, like something you used to do as a child, like buying and eating an ice cream bought from the ice cream man. What fun things did you used to do as a child?
Are you doing nurturing and relaxing things for you that make you feel happy?
You want to meet a man who values you and respects you right? Which is the reason why I asked that same woman who asked me how can she love herself: ‘Are YOU valuing yourself and are YOU respecting yourself’?
Again, she looked at me puzzled, but it made her think because finding true love starts with you first. When you value yourself you’ll only want to be with people, including men, who value you too. He can only love you as much as you love yourself. That’s how it works. That’s how your self-esteem can grow. That’s how your confidence in yourself grows. When you take the time to do things than genuinely make you feel happy within your own skin, then you say very clearly to yourself that you’re valuing yourself whether you’re single or in a relationship.
An indication of how much you’re valuing you, or an indication of how you see yourself, is to take a look at the people you hang out with. It’s said that you’re as successful as the five people closest around you.
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with” Jim Rohn
Now, I wouldn’t want you to think that this I am suggesting you to be critical of your friends at all – this is a simply an exercise that will demonstrate to you to see and evaluate how much you’re being influenced by those around you – and they WILL influence you in how you think, how you feel and how you behave. In effect, they will be mirroring back to you how you really see yourself at a core level and it will be a struggle to break out of having that particular mindset whilst remaining in the same circle.
So, who are you spending your time with?
Are you spending your time with ‘Moaning Minnie’ who’s whinging and complaining about her relationships all the time and how bad men are? If so, and you join in on male bashing, then that can possibly influence you and eventually negatively colour your mind even further in how you see men, which will affect how successful you are with men.
If you’re looking to be in a relationship then please be around girl friends who are positive, and who maybe also wanting to be in a relationship too – women you can go out and have fun together with.
The above can be a tough process to do. I know because I did this for myself, and I ask it of my clients too and I am also asking this of you in this online dating advice: ‘Who are you saying yes to and who are you saying no to’? You might look around at the closest people in your life and think, actually, I prefer to spend my time with people that I get to feel good with. And why not?! You only have one life. This is it!
If this were to be your last day, what would you be doing and with whom would you be doing it with?
Have a think, and contact me if you need any help or more online dating advice about meeting like minded people. Join me for Part 2, where I share some exercises for thinking further about how to love yourself when you are single.