Does being single on Valentine’s Day make you a loser or a failure? Or does it make you feel like one?
Hopefully not, yet I know some of you will shrink back and pretend that the day doesn’t exist or you’ll act as if you don’t care. Maybe you’ll even tell everyone that it’s all commercialised nonsense, or partake in ‘Anti Valentines’ festivities so people know how ‘not bothered’ you are because in your mind you’re giving a big up yours to those you believe are ‘in power controlling you’. But secretly inside it seems that all you can see is back to back lovers staring longingly into each other’s eyes, arm in arm, declaring undying love for each other. Or you remember the times when you were once in that embrace where he held you tight – gently but confidently looking into your eyes, cupping the side of your face as he pulled you in for a passionate embrace.
Valentine’s Day for some of you singles can seem like the world is having one big fat joke and laugh on you. And only you. Even though singledom is on the increase, with a national census done by Channel 4, that Britain now has a whopping 17 million unattached people over the age of 16. Still, even knowing that, it can totally suck right sometimes because you’re believing that everyone else in the whole world has gotten their love life together: That all couples are ecstatically happy, hand in hand, skipping into the rainbows everyday. That’s what you believe. And each and every time you believe that, you feel sick to your stomach. That’s if even you allow yourself to feel because some of you, I know, have a brick wall built up that’s so high and so big, that even when you try to connect with others, or try to feel your feelings, you’ve become so numb to yourself, that you don’t understand your own feelings and emotions anymore.
Because you’ve tried to cut yourself off from feeling your feelings because it’s become too painful for you. Heck, I know many of you pretend and make jokes about your love life, thinking that trying to make light of it will mask how you really feel on the inside. Perhaps even in an attempt to hide from yourself your true feelings.
For those of you who feel ashamed or embarrassed that you’re still single on Valentine’s Day, I know that there is another way. Yet you probably believe that you should have this whole relationship situation sorted out by now, especially when you see your friends pairing off and starting their own families. Always made worst when your mum or family members ask you why you’re still single with the look of pity or confusion in their eyes.
So what can you do if this is you on Valentine’s Day? You can always cry yourself into your favourite bucket of ice cream (Haagen Dazs Chocolate Chip please)
or do something that’s becoming more popular now called ‘Palentine’s Day’, or ‘Galentines Day’, which means that you hang out with your best single girlfriends. Not such a bad idea. But perhaps seeing lots of couples out on Valentine’s Day whilst you and your girlfriends drink champagne might trigger you because it still serves as a constant reminder of what you don’t have, which is an intimate loving sexual relationship with your guy.
For some of you, as much as you love your girlfriends, you secretly prefer to have that special someone to be with to celebrate Valentine’s Day with and you shouldn’t feel ashamed of that. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have a loving relationship with your Mr Right. Girlfriends are great of course, you don’t ever want to be without your amazing girlfriends, AND you also want to be held by a man or cuddle up with him at night right?
There is already too much shaming of singles these days. And what I mean by shaming is when people are telling you platitudes like just “love yourself”, “be happy being single”, “be the love that you seek”, when you’re honestly not feeling that way on the inside. Being incongruent to how you really feel – be thinking you ‘should’ be happy being single, is actually causing you more pain than acknowledging how you really feel.
Well meaning as some of these people are, you shouldn’t have to negate or squash how you really feel especially when those sayings don’t actually make you feel better. They are not effective in resolving your deep emotional issues or satisfying your emotional needs. So please don’t feel embarrassed if secretly inside you wish you had that special someone to hold you rather than spending more time with the girls.
An intimate relationship with your Mr Right isn’t the same as your relationships with your girlfriends because it fulfils a different part of your emotional needs, needs that you cannot get from your girlfriends. There are things you’ll do with your partner of course that you wouldn’t and can’t do with your friends – so please let’s get honest about that. We’re human beings who are designed to want to couple up and bond. It’s part of our DNA. Regardless, if you can genuinely connect and focus on being happy and having fun with your girlfriends that you love and care about, then of course that’s awesome. Go out or stay in together, and do lots of fun girlie stuff. There’s absolutely nothing wrong in that.
But if you feel that you want something more – that you want to have that special man in your life,, then you know where I am. Contact me. Let me help you Attract & Keep Your Mr Right.
Don’t miss out on love.
Up against Christmas and New Years, Valentines Day is one of the most popular celebrations of the year, so there’s no surprise then that there’s going to be loads of blog posts giving you suggestions on what to do on Valentine’s Day or even having an anti Valentines Day for that matter – focusing on how it’s all just commercialism gone mad on steroids.
Well, this blog isn’t about that.
Let me explain.
Even though I’m sure some or many of you ladies would’ve experienced your guy saying how commercialised it all is. That restaurants, florists, hotels, for example, increase their prices, so the whole celebration ends up costing him an arm and a leg. Worst than that he’s thinking: Why should he show his love for you on that day just because he’s being dictated to by those whose only aim is to cash in and fill their already deep pockets full of even more money.
But what if there was more to it than that for him.
What if, underneath that, some guys fear that you’ll disapprove of him or be disappointed by him if he doesn’t get you the gift you really want or make it special enough for you to make you feel happy?
You see, when a man loves you. And I mean when he really loves and cares about you, what he wants most of all, more than anything, is to make you happy.
If he sees that you’re not happy with what he gives, it crushes him inside. He may not show it, but trust me, he feels it. Big time. Much more than we women often realise. And that emotional pressure can be enough for some guys to retreat into “it’s all commercialism” talk to protect his feelings. They may even tell you at the beginning of your relationship that he’s not into valentines! Listen, men talk with me all the time about their dreams and fears in relationships – about what hurts them and what ails them and how they too suffer in love.
Which is one reason why I absolutely won’t write any blog posts that are about male bashing or putting down the whole of the male species. Sure, I like to poke fun and often will tease guys. However, to be clear, I’m definitely intolerant of down right low quality bad behaviour that I do see at times, because it leaves those women who have been affected by games and lies, deeply hurt and often emotionally scarred for a very long time. But I’m also very clear that these are individual cases that should be seen as indicative of that particular guy and him alone. So, whilst male bashing posts might be more popular to some of you, I am 100% clear that that isn’t what I’m about.
Because it actually doesn’t work in helping you women to find love! And that’s what I am about. Helping you to actually Find & Keep love with your Mr Right.
Listen, you don’t have to be single to benefit from what I say because I know some of you married women – or those of you who are in long term committed relationships, sometimes feel as lonely as when you were single and were yearning to be with that special someone. You might not care to admit it in public, or even to your closest friends, and perhaps not even to yourself, but I know this to be true. How do I know? Because many of you have admitted this to me.
So what to do? Yes. We all know that Valentine’s Day has turned into a commercial money fest now but so what? Why get hung up on that? You yourself don’t have to buy into it and nor does he. And guys, this is NOT an excuse to get stingy OK?! It’s NOT a good enough reason NOT to give. When I mean stingy – I am not talking about money because being mean can come in many forms and guises.
So ladies, listen, this is what I want you to know: He might not care as much about what you give to him for Valentine’s Day, because he’ll be more concerned about what he’s going to give to you to make you feel happy. (Although a sexy night of off the charts sex or doing some of his favourite acts I’m sure would make him very happy (and vice versa I hope!)).
So, if you’re with a guy who turns into Mr grumpy over Valentine’s Day, yet he’s gone out of his way to make this day special for you, then please appreciate his efforts. Please take that time and allow yourself to connect with what’s good and great about him and all the reasons why you fell for him in the first place. If nothing else, Valentines Day can be a day where you drop any negative patterns, criticisms or frustrations, to give you the time to connect in love. Surely isn’t that what it’s supposed to be really all about?
Even if it’s a totally cheesy gift, or if it’s something that you wouldn’t ever wear in a million years, or even if it’s just something that you really don’t like, and you feel disappointed inside, then remember the true reason for Valentine’s Day.
Listen. Why not see Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to have fun and a good time together – to connect again but not with the pressure of any expectations for it to have to be any way. Strip away all the pomp (unless of course that’s what you want) and maybe decide together to do something fun or do something that neither of you would normally do. More importantly, if this is the guy you’ve chosen to be with, then be open and allow yourself to receive his loving gifts whatever that might be.
For me, that’s the true essence of Valentine’s Day.
Paying Too Much In Tax Hurts You, ‘Emotional Tax’ I mean.
Let me explain:
How much have you paid in your emotions: In frustration and disappointment and heartache over a guy (or guys) who didn’t commit to you? The wasted time that for some of you stems into years.
You know what I’m talking about right? The sinking feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you see him sneaking a peak at another woman. Or when he says he’s going to call you but doesn’t. Or when he says he’s not ready for a relationship, only then to see him weeks or even days later arm in arm with another woman after he has dumped you or even if you’ve dumped him.
It hurts doesn’t it.
And that hurt inside is what you end up carrying around into your next relationship. Vowing to yourself that you’ll never make that same mistake again, only to feel let down yet again by yet another guy because you’ve repeated the same patterns from your past.
Or perhaps you’ve shut yourself off from guys completely. Believing that the only way to protect yourself is to cut yourself off. Throwing yourself into your career or business because at least that is something you feel you can control.
Maybe some of you are allowing yourself to have fake online relationships or chatting to guys who you know aren’t available, accepting whatever measly crumbs he throws your way whilst you’re becoming more & more besotted by him. All in all keeping yourself shut off from having anything real with a guy who does want to be with you – for something more than a side note or convenience or boredom.
Even if you happen to fall into another relationship. The walls are up. A barrier is there. You’re looking for when he’s going to do something bad to you. Permanently on edge instead of relaxing into the moment and into the relationship.
That’s what paying too much emotional tax is: You’ve gotten hurt once, twice, three times even, but you feel that pain of the past over and over and over again. And you relive it over and over again with someone whose face has changed but the type you attract remains the same. Even if you stay alone, you relive the past in your mind when you close those doors at night and remain alone.
Carrying around the emotional burdens and heartache from the past – allowing it to seep into your current love life, is shaping your emotional landscape but not in a way that actually makes you happy. This is what is known as paying too much emotional tax.
I know because I’ve been there too. But it doesn’t have to be this way.
If this is something you’re struggling with because you want to meet your Mr Right, then contact me.
Only you can make the decision to change and give yourself the chance to Attract & Keep Your Mr Right.
Don’t remain stuck.
Contact me to move forward in your love life. Don’t miss out on love ️
It sucks being alone at Christmas time but as much as you don’t want to be alone, you don’t want to be used as a convenient pit stop to fill someone else’s ‘fear of being alone’ emotional mind trap, and end up getting dumped again once we’re into the new year, when he suddenly disappears quicker than you can say: “Did I really need to eat that much food over Christmas?
In today’s modern world we can more easily indulge our curiosity into other people’s apparent fun filled social life with the advent of social media – and it can often seem as if everyone else is having the most amazing bedazzling sparkly time. Images & posts of happy couples can compound your deep seated painful fears & feelings of ‘Not Being Good Enough’ or ‘There’s Something Wrong With Me’ or ‘I’m Always Going To Be Alone’. And whilst you love getting dressed up and going out with the girls, having another ‘Man Free Zone’ deep down doesn’t really appeal to you. It can be a lonely time at Christmas. And deep down that hurts.
So then it’s of no surprise to you that exes often appear out of the blue at this time of year. Or that guy who ghosted you suddenly appears again and tries to text his way back into your life or randomly likes a comment on your Facebook post and says nothing else and you’re thinking: “WTF does that mean?”
There are more sign ups on online dating apps at this time of year more than any other time, especially with many singletons experiencing post Christmas blues after having faced the dread of having to answer Grandma Wilmer or Aunt Janice’s prying crushing question: “WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?”
Some of you will go to great lengths in order to avoid experiencing just that! I heard a story today that illustrates this point entirely – of a woman who is ‘shagging her mum’s neighbour’ as she heads back home for Christmas. She doesn’t find him in the least bit attractive. Worst, she actually finds him terribly tedious & mindnumbingly boring, but would rather have functional sex and create forced intimacy with him – than be alone again over Christmas time.
In times of need and desperation we can make some poor decisions and choices. And we certainly do things that we wouldn’t normally do when we’re feeling happy & fulfilled within ourselves.
However, if you feel that you’re happy with casual encounters over the festive season then great! Go for it!! But if you know you’re not, what should you look out for in order to be aware of being just another ‘festive fling’ and nothing more?
Signs to look out for:
1: He seems to have a desperate sense of urgency and immediacy about getting together with you – forcing a romantic connection – and pushing you into spending time with him and even possibly his friends/family.
2: He seems sombre and wants to keep on talking about his exes, especially one particular ex whose name keeps on ‘casually’ cropping up, and even asks you your advice on his failing love life. Urrrggghhhh.
3: Getting very last minute invitations: you’ve perhaps met him once – or you may even have known him for a while, but suddenly you hear from him out of the blue inviting you to his office party by text, at very short notice, or other social events, but there is no other conversation or chat in between.
Whilst you can never truly know the heart & mind of another when you’re meeting them for the first time, please bear this in mind: Preparing yourself for the possibility that it’s simply a ‘Festive Fling’, especially when you’re the one looking for a long term relationship is THE best thing to do.
This shift in your mindset will allow you to enjoy the romance for the short term. But how do you do that? A specific way to do that is to actually see it as a holiday romance and enjoy it!!
You know what I mean right? You enjoy the intensity, you let yourself go- knowing that it’s got a short shelf life and you’re ok with that. You’re prepared to enjoy it in the moment and let the magic of Christmas take over you, without you getting caught up in any imaginary future plans or stories around long term commitment. You’re more than happy to ‘see how it goes’ without begging or even looking for any future commitment from him beyond New Years day. And you are willing to let him go, allowing you to have a fresh start to the new year.
With this powerful mindset change, you can then relax. Enjoy the moment without worrying about the future or without worrying about being used and then discarded. Nothing will kill your self esteem and confidence more than getting emotionally entangled in ‘Will He Commit To Me’ man crazed drama mode.
Look, I don’t want you to be single and miss out on having romantic fun and a good time over the festive season if the opportunity arises. But if you know that even having a change of mindset still wouldn’t work for you because you still fear that just a festive fling isn’t something you can handle well emotionally – (perhaps you’ve been dumped or just experienced a break up for example), then maybe dating isn’t the best option for you right now. But that’s a decision only you can make. Stay true to your heart.
Christmas time and coming to the end of the year is often traditionally a time of reflection as we hope and anticipate having a better year than the last. We reminisce and think of past loves and the possibility of new or deepening love with Your Mr Right. So as much as you can, enjoy this festival season and keep yourself and your heart emotionally safe.
The ONE thing I discovered men look for in online dating profile photos that sends him wild with desire.
If you’ve ever done or are doing online dating, then you know what a minefield it can be to attract the right type of guys for you.
I know some of you are frustrated and irritated by some of the guys who contact you. But this post isn’t about that.
This post is about how much thought have you put into your online dating photos?
Did you just go through old photos of yourself that you had on your phone? Uploading ones you found quickly to get the job done? Perhaps some of the photos are from 1, 2, 5 even 10 years ago showing your ‘best years’. Perhaps you were at a different weight back then. Or perhaps you’re convinced that if he sees a younger you then he’ll be more interested, and then be wowed by your personality when he meets you, as you hope that he’ll ignore that you don’t look like your photos anymore (and yes, before you scream at me, men are equally as guilty of doing this too)
Look. I’m not here to rain on your parade. I am here to tell you the fearless truth of what actually works on online dating in order for you to attract high quality guys FAST who are looking for high quality women.
You see, there’s NOTHING you can do if he prefers a younger woman or a woman of a particular size for example. He already has his preference set of whom he finds particularly attractive.
However. the ONE universal thing that I discovered when I interviewed men on what makes him swipe right on certain women, is her having ‘vibrant’ energy.
Now, before you think I’m talking about you having to wear wacky clothes to stand out, I’m not.
I am however talking about how you come across on camera. I am talking about the thought you put into what you’re wearing in your photos. And I’m also talking about whether you look as if you’re happy in life, and have a life HE would want to be a part of.
You see, I’ve been shocked by some of the photos I’ve seen.
Blurred photos. Old photos. Only unsmiling head shots (because some of you are trying to hide your size). Ones of you in your wedding dress getting married but with the groom cut out!!!! Yes, this is absolutely true!!!
No matter your age or size, if you’re showing photos of yourself as looking vibrant – meaning – looking sparkling, full of life & passionate, then he’s going to feel an attraction towards you. All things being equal – if there were two women who were the same age & size & looks, BUT one had photos of herself looking vibrant and the other had average looking photos – hands down, he would chose the vibrant looking woman.
Because if a guy is over the age of thirty, most likely he’s had a few failed relationships under his belt. Perhaps he’s been married and divorced. Most likely he might be feeling a little jaded by love and is unquestionably looking for a woman who looks alive and in love with life. Who he feels will bring some feminine sparkle back into his life and rock his world.
A woman who looks vibrant – who has an energy about her that shows she’s confident and comfortable in her own skin and enjoys being a woman is intensely attractive to men.
You see, you want him to experience not the ‘X factor’ but the ‘Wow Factor’ when he sees you. Trust me, if you can do this, I guarantee he’ll be hooked
In world of Instagram & filters & photoshop, image matters. Don’t get left behind. When you’re taking your online dating photos: Confidently look into the camera, dress in your most awesome feminine self and show off your best features. When I go through this exercise with my clients, it’s often where I find the most tears, resistance & stress. But, when they let go and go with what I suggest, then the types of guys they attract changes. It literally is like a flip of a switch, suddenly, like magic, the guys they want start to message them. Their confidence grows as a consequence.
If you have the ability to create the ‘Wow Factor’ in your photos and in life, I guarantee that you’ll attract more high quality guys, and as a consequence, have more to choose from because you’ll be in high demand.
Wouldn’t you prefer to able to pick & choose and find Mr Right quickly rather than feeling you have to settle?
Lead with your feminine power.